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Funny Revenges!
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0.00
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Card Swiping
As most any longtime server has most likely endured, I once worked a shift while the flu bug was whoopin' my ass like a hillbilly abortion. Oh man...fever, sniffles, body aches, deep bellowing coughs. It was horrible.
Why was I working when I was so sick? Well, the douche bag manager at the joint was a real battleaxe. She wouldn't let me go home unless I would return with a doctors note. Uninsured vagabond that I was at the time, I was more scared of paying a doctor bill than I was of dropping dead in some schmuck's Tortilla soup.
Yadda yadda yadda.
Too weak to argue with my fearless leader any longer, I went on to endure the shift from hell. I was a pariah. I was a Typhoid Mary. I was a living, breathing, envelope of unidentified white powder.
Don't get me wrong, having been contagious, I realized I had no business working. But I couldn't lose the job, so I mustered on. People, workers and customers alike, clearly wanted me at arm's length. But generally they treated me with a modicum of human decency.
But one guy...ooohhhhhh, one prick....
This dude gives me his credit card and tells me, "I can't get outta this germ-farm fast enough! If I get sick, I'm coming back and taking it out of YOUR ass."
He stuck his finger at me, too.
Yeah, it was pretty rude any way you look at it. Oh boy, I was pretty cranky at the time too, so I knew I was gonna do something to this prick, I just didn't know what yet. So I go in the back, and I do the whole payment process thing and, low and behold the card comes up declined. This seemed to me like a nice clean karmic victory, but like I said, I was feeling cranky. I thought to myself..."Well, maybe if his card can't take it out of his bank account, maybe he can take it out of my ass?" I grinned.
"Hell, that must be what he meant by that. I understand now. He wasn't really threatening me. No one's that big a jerk. He wants me to use his card to access the bank of my ass!"
So I untied my apron, reached behind, swiped Mr. Prick's Amex right between my sweaty, hairy, germ-ridden ass cheeks. It didn't go through the first time, so I tried swiping the other side as well. Unfortunately, it was declined again. With a deep satisfaction, I apologetically informed asshead that I tried swiping it several times, but I that I was afraid his card was declined.
I went home eventually and rode out the rest of the flu. When I was better, I thought that maybe I overreacted and went to far. Maybe I fell a little to far into the dark side.
—Captain Calamity, Columbus, OH
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