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Monkey Ass
I notice a lot of representation for children and cheap bastards on this board, but I don't see a lot of the class of customer that combines both of these less than admirable groups...
Young high school kids.
Now, as a young waiter and later bartender, I found these to be the worst, especially the bigger groups with both little girls and little boys....The boys seem to like to play, "Who can be the most rude to the college-age male server and impress the chicks" game with each other. Of course, I generally took great pleasure in simply carding these young bastards....I never, ever served underage, because, let's face it, young kids can barely afford beer, let alone a tip. But I digress.
At a chain that will remain nameless (Brinker International's On the Border Cafe) I was working the floor one night when a crowd of young punks and their little hoochies strolled in and sat down at my 8-top. I chipped them, grabbed the drinks, etc etc etc. Returned to take the order, and the boys decided it would be funny to order in a Jerky Boys voice, complete with "got that sizzle chest? and "You got it tough guy!". How very creative. The girls ate this up.
My best friend there, another young guy with a horrifying temper, told me we should just go out and beat them to death, as they had done the same thing to them the week before and then stiffed him on top of it. I counseled patience.
I'm a nice guy. My family ran restaurants, so I know my way around. I waited tables for years, and always believed that messing with someone's food was one of the biggest scumbag things a human being could do. But when I went back out there and the girls started ordering dessert, made "just so", and asked me "if I thought I could handle that", I said to myself, you bet your ass I can handle it sweetheart. Or more accurately, my ass.
Anyone that has run through a kitchen in the summer for a 10 hour shift wearing poly-blend pants knows all about Monkey Ass. It is the debilitating itchy assed condition that creeps up on you about hour 4 brought on by sweat and the beer shits you had from getting bombed the night before. A truly unpleasant condition for those afflicted that can't go clean it up due to being weeded on the floor.
Unpleasant as well for those that piss off an itchy-assed server.
The girls ordered 3 Border Brownies, basically a hot brownie with a scoop of ice cream and pecan praline sauce, for which they needed 8 spoons. They got all that and more.
To the soundtrack of my friends hysterical laughter, I took all 8 spoons and scratched my itch. Honest to god, there was literally ass hair and lint on the damn things as well as little droplets of sweat. I served them the brownies, and watched from a distance...
Oh the joy that swelled in my heart as I watched the lovely little kiddies spoon the wonderful brownies into their mouths. I even strolled by to ask, "Is everything ok?" in my most solicitous waiter voice. "Yeah, shouldn't it be?" a snot nosed teen replied, as she shoveled a generous spoonful of ice cream and ass particles into her mouth. "Yes. Yes it should. And yes it is."
Of course, they stiffed me, but it was worth it.
I never did anything like that before or since. I kind of felt guilty about it after it happened, but went out that night for a few beers with the staff and forgot all about it. Sometimes it is ok to have beer shits.
—Monkey Ass, West Paterson
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